Brad Rourke's Blog » daily life

Regrets Upon Death

Brad Rourke — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 18:16:18 +0000

Bronnie Ware is a singer and writer from Australia. For a number of years, she worked in palliative care (that is, attending to the dying). Out of that experience, she has written a book called The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying (affiliate link).

Photo by andronicusmax (Flickr)

As the year closes, and as we sweep away the past and look to the blank slate of the future, many of us are making “resolutions” or at the least setting their intentions. Bonnie’s list provides some insight as to what enduring goals might look like.

The top five regrets of the dying:

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I didn’t work so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I’m thinking about these ideas as I formulate my own set of intentions for 2012.

Riding the Waves of Ambivalence

Brad Rourke — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:55:30 +0000

Just now I heard the doorbell ring. “I ran into your car,” says the guy at the door. (My car was parked on the street.)

He got it way worse than me. Crumpled hood, smashed grill. I had scratches on my rear bumper and some scrapes.

I finished the call with Geico and walked over to him to see how he was doing. He was crying. “I don’t have one dollar to get my car fixed. I just lost my job. I live in this car.”

I looked — a sleeping bag and pillow in the back seat. I was torn as to what to do. I was angry, and I felt pity at the same time. I have been in situations where I did not know how I was going to get through.

He could have just took off, but instead he took responsibility. That had to count for something, I thought. I gave him $20 for food and told him to take a deep breath and just do the next right thing, that it would all be OK.

He started crying again, as he got into his car. It started. I repeated, “It’s going to be all right,” and gave him a manly pat-pat on the roof of the car, as if to seal the deal.

I actually have no idea if it is going to be all right or not. I hope so.

Results From My First Diet

Brad Rourke — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 14:31:36 +0000

It was the end of June, and I had just returned from vacation with the family. We’d gone to Hawaii, so I spent a lot of time with no shirt. I’ve always thought of myself as a very fit person. I have run regularly since I was 16, I work out, I have done P90X, I do yoga regularly. But in Hawaii I just felt . . . well, tubby. Looking at photos of me in those tight rashguard shirts you wear for surfing, I can see it was not an idle sentiment. When I returned home, I weighed myself: 198.2.

The number floored me. I am six feet tall. In college I thought of myself as 175 pounds. That has crept up over the years, and around 2000 it seemed to settle at 185. I was comfortable enough thinking of myself as 185 pounds. But the scale did not lie, over the past decade, my weight had crept up and I was now 200 pounds. No offense to anyone — but I do not see myself as a 200 pound man.

With my birthday coming up at the end of July, I set myself a goal. I would get back to 185 by my birthday, July 29.

I have never, ever watched what I eat. I have always relied on the idea that I have a high metabolism and lead an active lifestyle to keep me in shape. This worked when I was younger but now, in my mid-40′s, evidence suggests that it does not.

For my diet, I chose the “slow carb diet” found in Tim Ferris’ book The 4-Hour Body. (Affiliate link.)

I can’t say why this approach rather than another. I picked up Ferris’ book and was curious. It seemed very well-researched and no-nonsense. It did not lay a bunch of guilt on, and it has a number of chapters each designed to help you achieve a certain goal (fat loss, muscle gain, endurance, etc.). I think that I liked the book because in the back of my mind, I would like to get my weight down and then add muscle.

[UPDATE] One of the key concepts that the book drove home to me is the inability to use exercise to manage my weight. I had been fooling myself that it was possible to just “work off” excess calories all my life. But the vast imbalance between intake and what exercise really burns makes this a pipe dream. As one of my trainer friends puts it, “You can’t outrun a donut.” (Knowing this, I get angry when I think about today’s “anti-obesity” campaigns that make the claim that being more active can control weight. Being active is good, but it is not going to give us fewer overweight kids. Only nutrition will do that.)

The Slow Carb Diet

There are two core ideas in Ferris’ book. First, experiment and track results to see what works (he has done this religiously for many years). Second, the main diet that seems to work is what he calls the “Slow Carb Diet.”

The basic idea behind this is to eat protein, vegetables, and legumes (beans) in as high a quantity as you want . . . and nothing else. No grains, no rice, no dairy, no fruit. And, one day per week, all rules are gone and you can eat what you want.

I am not going to go into the science behind the diet, but rest assured it is researched and he makes a good case for it in the book.

For those who are familiar with it, this is very much like the Paleolithic diet, only you get legumes.

[UPDATE] A friend asked me what a typical breakfast is. I thought it would be good to recap my basic meals.

Breakfast: I actually have “two breakfasts.” My first is upon awakening, when I have a shake that I detail below. It is important to get at least 30 grams of protein within half an hour of waking up. This shake is about all I can handle at that hour. But I get hungry about 90 minutes to two hours later, so I go for “second breakfast.” That is egg whites (from a carton), spinach or broccoli (frozen, microwaved), and some black beans, all with a bunch of salsa.
Lunch: I am usually not hugely hungry at lunch, so I have something light. Usually I take a bunch of romaine lettuce leaves, and wrap deli meats like ham or roast beef inside. I give a quick swipe of mayonnaise on each. Oh, and some black beans.
Dinner: I usually focus on a big protein here, and then round out with steamed vegetables (from frozen) and black beans. I find two or three Bubba Burger patties are awesome. I will also grill a whole bunch of chicken breasts on Sunday and eat them at dinners throughout the week. I also will go to Chipotle, which is now my go-to fast food. You can eat this diet without ever going anywhere else. I get: Fajita bowl with no rice, with black beans, steak (sometimes double steak or mix with chicken), pico de gallo, medium salsa, guacamole, lettuce.

Not an amazingly varied diet, but it works.

Here is a list of OK and not-OK foods that may help.

My Results

After one month of eating this diet very strictly . . . I have never felt better physically. More energy, more vitality, general sense of well being. I used to get a lot of tension headaches. I have taken no pain relievers for the past 30 days. I also used to need a certain amount of caffeine to get going in the day. Ditto: I have had no coffee for the past 30 days.

In terms of fat loss, my progress was quite rapid at the start, but that rate was harder to maintain. I weighed myself every morning, wearing just shorts, before ingesting anything. It ended up to be about .75 pounds per day that I was able to lose. Yesterday was my birthday and my weigh-in was 185.8. Close, and my wife congratulated me, but no cigar. I was a bit disappointed.

But today, the day after my birthday, I hit 184.9. Success.

My plan is to taper the pace a bit moving forward, and hopefully lose another 5 pounds by the end of August.

You can see this all graphed out below. I created a spreadhseet where I track my daily weight. I also include my daily target weight, with a +/- of 2%. So long as I was in those lines, I was happy with my progress.

(Click to enlarge the graph.)

You can see a few gaps in my tracking. Those were times that I was traveling for business and could not weigh myself. It was initially a challenge to maintain the diet when traveling, and especially when eating “banquet” type meals in business settings. I take along a protein powder supplement to make sure I get enough protein in those cases. But it takes planning ahead.

Also, there are supplements that I take along with my meals that Ferris has used and recommends. I do not know if they are critical, but in case you want to duplicate my results you should know about them. Here is my supplement regimen:

On awakening: shake of Athletic Greens (green-sourced vitamin/probitoic compound) and Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard whey protein. Supplements: Alpha-Lipoic Acid; Green Tea Extract (decaffeinated); Garlic extract; Fish Oil capsule.
With lunch: Alpha-Lipoic Acid; Green Tea Extract (decaffeinated); Garlic extract; Fish Oil capsule.
With dinner: Alpha-Lipoic Acid; Green Tea Extract (decaffeinated); Garlic extract; Fish Oil capsule.
Before bed: Policosanol; Alpha-Lipoic Acid; Garlic extract; Fish Oil capsule.

Like I said, I do not know if these are critical, but that is what I do.

By the way, I totally swear by the Athletic Greens.

Moving Forward

So far, this seems to be working well and, like I said, I feel great. I plan to continue to use this eating plan moving forward, not just to attain a certain weight goal but as a way of life. The benefits, for me, are worth it. Sure, I miss pizza and cheeseburgers, but I get those on Cheat Day!

If you have questions, post them in the comments and I would be happy to answer them.

A Growing Hacker

Brad Rourke — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:02:33 +0000

My son lately seems to have been bitten by a similar bug that plagues my father and me. It’s the computer virus.

Men in my family seem not to be able to get enough of those shiny gadgets. We are forever tweaking, disassembling, reassembling, reinstalling, uninstalling, recompiling, hacking, and more. I don’t know how many computers are in my dad’s house, but in mine we have ten. Ten.

People ask, “Why do you have so many computers?” I unfortunately find it hard to answer. They just sort of accumulate. In part, it happens because I love to experiment with new operating systems. I’ve got a machine running Windows 7, Mac Snow Leopard, Ubuntu Linux, and ChromeOS. I used to think my computer acquisition problem stemmed from a constant search to find the perfect solution to all my computing needs — the one machine that would be right in any situation. Now I know that in part it stems from my desire to find the right setup for each situation (no one machine can really satisfy all needs).

But I also know that it is just one of my character defects — I just plain love computers.

And now my son is beginning to show signs. If you look in his room, there are spaghetti piles of cords everywhere. Every time I get a new machine, he wants my old one. He has been trying to hack his Xbox setup so he can make it do things in theory it should be able to do but doesn’t quite do out of the box. In short, he is slowly becoming a hacker.

It doesn’t look the same way it looked when I was growing up, when I would send away for materials to get my ham radio license and build the Kim-1 single-board microcomputer with my dad. Things have advanced and it has more to do with fiddling with pre-existing tools: hacking the Xbox, developing new video games, creating YouTube how-tos related to gameplay. But the fundamental aspects are there.

I’m not worried. This kind of undirected inquisitiveness — hacking — is one key basis for innovation today. I have high hopes for that kid.

* (For those who don’t know, Perl is a programming language.)

Comic from xkcd.

You Never Know

Brad Rourke — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 14:05:26 +0000

Last week, I took my 13 year old son and some friends to a paintball field. We had never been before. As we drove out, we shared about how some of us were a little nervous, but the overall emotion was excited anticipation. Like race horses trembling before the gate opens, we were ready to rock.

The way it works, they put everyone who happens to be there at the same time into a big group until there are about thirty people. Then they split you into teams and a referee establishes what game you are going to play and enforces rules. The games were basic — capture the flag, shoot everyone until there is no one left standing, defend the fort.

I imagine we all had similar inner fantasies on the way out. My son plays a lot of first-person shooter games on Xbox with his friends, and I am into them a bit too. So we were pretty much all imagining ourselves as awesome little soldier-dudes.

The reality slapped me in the face immediately. We got split up into teams and the game began. I snuck through the woods, my sights on this enemy fellow crouching behind a tree. I popped out from behind my tree to shoot. The moment I revealed myself, I got hit. Game over. I was the first casualty.

What’s worse, as I walked back to the staging area where the dead people wait, I realized I had no clue where the shot that did me in had come from. None.

The game finally ended, and we were briefed on the next game. We basically switched sides, with one team uphill and the other downhill. The ref called “go.” We started playing. I snuck forward toward a woodpile. This time I would be cagey, and be a bit more careful of my surroundings.

Again, I got shot quickly. Again, I had no idea where it came from.

Over the course of the day, I improved and I stopped being the first to go. But one element was constant: I never knew where the shot that took me out came from.

This morning, as I was talking to friends about life in general, I realized that my paintball excursion (which I enjoyed immensely and which I plan to repeat) taught me a very important lesson:

You never know what direction challenges will come from.

In most cases out on the paintball field, there was some threat (or target) I was focusing on, and the killer shot came from some other place. I was totally blindsided. Over and over.

Try as we might to prepare, the unexpected will present itself to us, and we will have to deal with it. On the paintball field, it means a walk back to the staging area. In life, it means a chance to respond with grace to something new.

The quality I need to cultivate in myself is not so much strength to withstand an onslaught, or even a more sensitive internal radar. Because there is always a better shot, and the paintball with my name on it will always come from where I am not looking.

No, the quality I need to cultivate is grace in response.

That is what is going to serve me best, as life continues to present surprises.

An Office Cleanse

Brad Rourke — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:00:04 +0000

As many of my readers know (as well as friends who aren’t readers), I have been working independently since 2003. Since it is primarily just me, I have not found a need to rent separate office space. Our house is large enough that there’s a room I use as my office.

Thing is, it is also the room I use to hold much of my fitness equipment. It’s also the room I use for recording and mixing music. And . . . it’s the room I get dressed in. (Like many couples, only one of us gets to use the in-bedroom closet.)

So, over the years, with so many different functions that this one room has been performing, you can imagine how much stuff has accumulated. Finally, as the new year dawned, I decided I could take it no more. I went corner by corner, throwing out (literally) anything I had not touched for the last 12 months I was ruthless. It was glorious.

You are probably wondering what my space looks like now. Well, here you go:

My main office headquarters:

Click for full size

And here is my “studio,” where I work on music and mix recordings:

Click for full size

Now I just have to do the same to the rest of the house!

What One Big Thing Will You Do Today?

Brad Rourke — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 14:00:35 +0000

Normally, I find articles about how to “minimize distractions in this distraction-filled world” to be unhelpful. They usually amount to: “Have more will power to avoid distractions, unplug, and do things in batches.” I sometimes get upwards of 200 emails per day. I have many filters in place, so the dross gets autofiled and ignored. But if I batched the remainder, I would be facing a huge backlog every day, AND people who have come to expect swift response will be disappointed. (So I constantly look at my inbox, as things come in, and dispatch them quickly. My inbox is close to zero at all times.)

Therein lies the crux of the problem: In today’s world, it is reasonable to expect a response within an hour or two. And that is not necessarily bad.

But wait, that wasn’t what I wanted to write about. I was reading this article on reducing distractions, inwardly complaining, when I ran across this piece of advice:

“Make space for One Important Thing Everyday. The truth is everyday we only need to do one or at most two really important things, or tasks. Each day make a note of what that thing is and do it.For me today it was writing this blog post, it’s not that I didn’t do another productive stuff but it was the main important thing that I likely would put off unless I had a bit of a push.”

That strikes me as excellent advice. Every day, there is usually One Big Thing — the one thing that sets the tone for the day. Maybe I am delivering a big document, or reviewing a batch of notes, or holding some meeting. Whatever. Point is, even in a busy day there is typically one defining thing. I need to identify that and let it be the center of gravity.

The other things in the day? Well, they will get done, or they can become the One Big Thing for a subsequent day.

Looking back at my own behavior, I think I already tend to do this, only I have not articulated it.

What’s your One Big Thing today?

My 2011 Focus Areas For A Balanced Life

Brad Rourke — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 15:10:09 +0000

I believe in New Year’s resolutions, if only to focus my mind on the kind of person I want to aspire to be. (My friend Caryn has written a great article in praise of resolutions.) Typically, I focus on my shortcomings — things I want to improve.

This year, I thought I would try for a more balanced approach, that looks at the major areas of my life. For me, the main areas are: Body, Mind, Spirit, Work, Family, Music, and Community (not necessarily in that order).

My overall plan is to scan each of these areas periodically, just to check in with how I am doing. I realize that, at different times, I will have energy in different areas. Over time, if I can push ahead in all these areas, I think I will have a balanced life.

Here are the areas I want to focus on this year, along with concrete ideas of what I hope to do in each area.

Body

Do P90X again
Continue regular yoga practice
Improve diet; eat more often

Mind

Improve my conversational French
Learn something new that takes concentration and commitment over time

Spirit

Pray every day
Have a discussion that touches on values with another person at least once per day
Seek out and follow direction

Work

Improve deliveries by completing work ahead of deadline and do deeper review prior to submission
Seek out colleagues’ input more, and earlier
Do the hardest, or least pleasant, things first in the day

Family

Adhere to regular family dinner time; cook at least four nights per week
Instigate and create more opportunities for family activities

Creativity

Write a new song each month (at least)
Practice guitar more regularly
Write something every day

Community

Take on a service position in a community organization
Attend more community functions

I Had A Good Year. Thank You, and You, and You, and YOU.

Brad Rourke — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 16:41:56 +0000

Thanks for a great 2010!

It’s the last day of the year. Like many others, I am thinking back on how it went.

Like Seth Godin, I am focusing on what I accomplished. While my sensations and experiences as I went through 2010 were mixed (there were times when it felt very hard), when I look objectively at all that got done, I am pleased with all that I was able to complete and ship.

What Got Shipped

Here, in reverse chronological order, and a mixture of professional as well as personal, are the highlights of my year:

Designed, developed, drafted, and completed the first-ever Maryland Civic Health Index.
Researched and wrote a Case Foundation report on promoting innovation in the Federal government.
Shifted the hyperlocal blog I founded and co-manage, Rockville Central, into a for-profit concern and began accepting ads.
Again with Rockville Central, joined up with the TBD network.
Took on a new role with the Kettering Foundation as Executive Editor of their issue book series, and developed new mechanisms for training writers in writing materials for public deliberation.
Completed the P90X fitness program.
Researched and wrote a significant report on the history of the Federal government’s approach to civic engagement and philanthropy for PACE (Philanthropy for Active Civic Engagement). This paper resulted in a conference held at the Newseum where I made some framing remarks.
Researched and wrote a new issue guide for the Kettering Foundation and the National Issues Forums Institute on America’s Role In The World.
Researched and wrote a new issue guide for the Kettering Foundation, the National Issues Forums Institute, and the Leadership Foundation to Keep Children Alcohol Free on the subject of underage drinking.
Figured out how to run in Vibram Five Finger shoes — and shared some tips on it. (This remains the most popular post on my site.)
Wrote and released an e-book on how to promote your blog on Twitter and Facebook.

I think there may be other items, but these are the main ones and I can honestly say I am happy with them.

My Message To You

That’s the “results” side of 2010. There’s another piece of 2010 that I count as one of the most significant developments. For many of us, 2010 was the year our online social interactions exploded. I know that, for myself, I am deeply grateful to everyone with whom I interact with (some of you on a daily basis) online.

This aspect of my daily life has been an important factor in improving the quality of my life.

And so, I have recorded this quick video which is my message to YOU.

Have a great 2011!

You Are Looking At The Problem

Brad Rourke — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:23:13 +0000

A long time ago, a friend of mine told me the story of how she was staying over on another friend’s boat down in Florida. She had been having a lot of problems, bumping up against the world so to speak. Things weren’t going her way at the time, and the harder she tried the worse it seemed to get.

She woke up one morning and went into the bathroom. On the medicine cabinet mirror, there was a small sign that said: “You are looking at the problem.”

The insight that note provided actually allowed her to turn her life around. She realized that, for so many things, she herself was the only thing standing in the way. She realized that acceptance is the key to happiness in this world.

I took her lesson to heart, and here is the sticker I have had on my dressing mirror for many, many years:

You can see that someone has crossed out “problem” and written “answer” in its place. That was my daughter, who happened upon the sticker one day and thought it too depressing.

I have kept the edit, because I actually think they are both right. In so many cases, I am both the problem and the answer. I’m the problem, because I get in my way, or don’t accept the world as it is, or try to power-drive the people around me, or try to live as if things can be perfect. I am the answer because all by myself, if I want to see change I need to cultivate the capacity of willingness — willingness to accept, willingness to put in the effort needed, willingness to forgive.

I am thankful for this little scrap of wisdom I get to see every morning as I get dressed. And thankful to my friend and to my daughter for teaching me.